I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
