he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
