barbara walters just said penis...
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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