I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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