as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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