I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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