Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
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