I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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