i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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