found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize