so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
