No awkward lesbian experiences without me
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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