I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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