u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
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