True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
whose parrot is this?
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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