good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
