proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Randomize
