People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I pour the whiskey from now on
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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