Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
