I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
