last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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