mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Randomize
