i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
someone owes me an orgasm
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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