im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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