It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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