wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
