my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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