if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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