just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
