Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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