I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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