guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
