I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
