Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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