We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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