Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You need Xanax blowdarts
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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