I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
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