The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
