So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
