At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I think I sprained my soul last night
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Randomize
