There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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