6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
