Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
