Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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