Taylor Swift is so right about you.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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