I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Randomize