Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
