I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
