my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
