I looked at my own cervix.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize