Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
