Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
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