I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
