People with herpes should wear stickers.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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