Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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