i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Sext me about skeletons
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
