he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Is Oprah even human
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
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