I heard we made out
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm both gender and math confused
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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